Forgot I said I’d post on Fridays…

Ooops.

Technically, here it’s Saturday

but somewhere

some place

it’s still Friday.

Today was different.

Not the same different as it was the day we met…

Just different.

I forced myself to go out…

I’m glad I did.

Though a tad awkward and short

I saw someone

who although often feels like they’re not,

they’re my real flesh and blood.

They’re family

and for that period earlier

it was just nice.

I don’t think I’ve felt that for these

relatives for so long.

I’m not sure if that’s my fault

or the voices of my respective parent

and growing up in a home

where you’ve always been told we stick out.

Anyway, was pleasant.

Then I saw you.

Sexy bartender.

But not really.

You don’t need the bar,

and you’re more cute than sexy

but I guess, so am I.

We had a few hours together

and you built my new bike for me.

My legs already ache,

in particular upper legs

and I’ve already fallen off once

splat on the pavement

but…

thank you.

I love it,

you more

but it’s a close second.

Kidding!

Then I saw that video

before we met.

Your hair was different.

Your clothes the same.

That first date waist coat.

It’s fucking adorable.

You’re adorable,

even if you weren’t ‘yourself,’

and I already can’t wait to see you tomorrow.

Gay.

Bye.

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Our version…

I won’t lie,

I’m not sure what it is yet.

Thoughts are getting louder again

and maybe I’m getting quieter

but they’re thunder

while I’m still learning to dance through the storm.

They often won’t shut up

and some days are hard,

screaming

worthless

please disappear.

All I can ask is…

Don’t give up on us

because perhaps our version could be more than our forever.

I’m investing time in us…

Well and ice cream and my heart…

I want you and this and us

but only if you do as well.

Still crushing on you

from that first day

with your hair and scarves and kind words.

Our version can be good,

because I’m still trying to clear out the bad.

I’ll always be trying,

someday maybe even succeeding.

Wednesday was magic…

Our version could be that.

Next time,

take-out, movies and cuddles?

 

 

Get set…

So, picture this –

battle of the human.

Mind,

heart,

person,

all at war.

Can’t they all win?

My mind,

someone called it

beautiful once

though he did also

call me a maniac.

It’s where my

OCD and

depression and

anxiety live.

They like to get together sometimes,

have an impromptu party.

Those are my bad days.

Now my heart –

that I can promise you

is about 87% good.

It beats too fast

and clutches too tight

but I’m speeding away

and following it anyway.

My heart is what I write from.

It’s honest

and anxious

and a little messy

but in all ways

is the best thing about me.

My person?

Half the time I don’t like her.

I hate this body

that I’m also learning to love.

I’m too quiet,

stuttering over the spoken.

I’m too nice,

not to be mistaken for as weak.

I’m small but strong.

I can read fast

and make metaphors

even on my darkest days.

I like tea and butterflies and you.

So, is it time?

Are all three ready to fight?

Who do we place bets on?

Falling.

Down the well,

over my own feet,

into the Darkness.

I was falling.

Now, it’s possible,

I’m tripping.

That means,

I get up.

I’m learning to fight back.

Now I’m succumbing to a new type.

A land-on-your-face

kind of crash.

It’s you.

I’ve caught these feelings

but unlike fish

I don’t wanna let go.

Let’s catch a somewhat future too

and keep our head above the water?

I’ll try if you will

because

I’m falling for you.

It’s gross and lame

but my anxious heart

tells me it’s true.

Hey you…

I don’t schedule my posts…

This is raw and now and butterflies,

lying with you is quiet,

it’s peaceful,

it’s –

you know for once

I’ve not overthought

us.

This morning, I fell asleep with your arms around me.

It wasn’t for long,

I think you were already sleeping

but it mattered.

This matters.

I’m not good at explaining my words,

spoken or not,

but being with you

isn’t just fantastic

it’s comfortable,

electric,

daisy dukes and tea

and a seven hour first date…

We’re up to twenty-eight now.

This is moving fast

and sometimes I struggle to keep up

but don’t let go of my hand…

It’s worth more than just the one risk…

 

 

Worth remembering.

So, lately, like most people by age,

demons plague my inner conscious.

I’m currently on medication,

they’re a little quieter…

this week was different –

I met you.

I’ll wait till you see this

but right now you’re out.

I think, things like last night,

are worth remembering.

You’re making me smile

and thought I was nervous as hell –

well, not hell,

more like…

you know,

are there any things you can be nervous as?

It was comfortable.

I’m sorry we didn’t eat what you paid for.

Sun on the river,

then lights on the river

and boats on the river.

I’m not poetic in person,

you know that now.

And I’ve never tried to write something like this

but you should know,

it’s worth remembering

I like smiling.

I’ve neglected it lately.

I like that we spoke in our ‘native’ language,

and I like thinking maybe this will make you smile too.

I hope I’ve made a new friend at least.

It’s worth remembering that.

Sunday.

I walked to work today.

I smiled today.

Not much was forced today.

It’s day six of taking these tablets today.

That’s eighteen altogether, three a day today.

I spilled tea over my bed sheets today.

Before my shift even started today.

We went for drinks today.

You called me today.

My Dad today.

I didn’t have any panic attacks today.

I got through today.

I like today.

Though, sometimes I wish I had someone more to speak to today.

I am Awake today,

and I’m not sure how I feel about today.

I started writing again today.

My book today.

At least, it will last for today.

Today is Sunday.

It’s not yet over.

I get another next week.

That’s seven today’s away…