Get set…

So, picture this –

battle of the human.

Mind,

heart,

person,

all at war.

Can’t they all win?

My mind,

someone called it

beautiful once

though he did also

call me a maniac.

It’s where my

OCD and

depression and

anxiety live.

They like to get together sometimes,

have an impromptu party.

Those are my bad days.

Now my heart –

that I can promise you

is about 87% good.

It beats too fast

and clutches too tight

but I’m speeding away

and following it anyway.

My heart is what I write from.

It’s honest

and anxious

and a little messy

but in all ways

is the best thing about me.

My person?

Half the time I don’t like her.

I hate this body

that I’m also learning to love.

I’m too quiet,

stuttering over the spoken.

I’m too nice,

not to be mistaken for as weak.

I’m small but strong.

I can read fast

and make metaphors

even on my darkest days.

I like tea and butterflies and you.

So, is it time?

Are all three ready to fight?

Who do we place bets on?

Falling.

Down the well,

over my own feet,

into the Darkness.

I was falling.

Now, it’s possible,

I’m tripping.

That means,

I get up.

I’m learning to fight back.

Now I’m succumbing to a new type.

A land-on-your-face

kind of crash.

It’s you.

I’ve caught these feelings

but unlike fish

I don’t wanna let go.

Let’s catch a somewhat future too

and keep our head above the water?

I’ll try if you will

because

I’m falling for you.

It’s gross and lame

but my anxious heart

tells me it’s true.

Hey you…

I don’t schedule my posts…

This is raw and now and butterflies,

lying with you is quiet,

it’s peaceful,

it’s –

you know for once

I’ve not overthought

us.

This morning, I fell asleep with your arms around me.

It wasn’t for long,

I think you were already sleeping

but it mattered.

This matters.

I’m not good at explaining my words,

spoken or not,

but being with you

isn’t just fantastic

it’s comfortable,

electric,

daisy dukes and tea

and a seven hour first date…

We’re up to twenty-eight now.

This is moving fast

and sometimes I struggle to keep up

but don’t let go of my hand…

It’s worth more than just the one risk…

 

 

Worth remembering.

So, lately, like most people by age,

demons plague my inner conscious.

I’m currently on medication,

they’re a little quieter…

this week was different –

I met you.

I’ll wait till you see this

but right now you’re out.

I think, things like last night,

are worth remembering.

You’re making me smile

and thought I was nervous as hell –

well, not hell,

more like…

you know,

are there any things you can be nervous as?

It was comfortable.

I’m sorry we didn’t eat what you paid for.

Sun on the river,

then lights on the river

and boats on the river.

I’m not poetic in person,

you know that now.

And I’ve never tried to write something like this

but you should know,

it’s worth remembering

I like smiling.

I’ve neglected it lately.

I like that we spoke in our ‘native’ language,

and I like thinking maybe this will make you smile too.

I hope I’ve made a new friend at least.

It’s worth remembering that.

Sunday.

I walked to work today.

I smiled today.

Not much was forced today.

It’s day six of taking these tablets today.

That’s eighteen altogether, three a day today.

I spilled tea over my bed sheets today.

Before my shift even started today.

We went for drinks today.

You called me today.

My Dad today.

I didn’t have any panic attacks today.

I got through today.

I like today.

Though, sometimes I wish I had someone more to speak to today.

I am Awake today,

and I’m not sure how I feel about today.

I started writing again today.

My book today.

At least, it will last for today.

Today is Sunday.

It’s not yet over.

I get another next week.

That’s seven today’s away…

Numb.

Not quite sure how to comprehend

anything coherent.

I’ve been told I’m strong

but inside I’m crumbling.

Let me tell you a secret…

I find comfort in my own skin.

Hugging myself, hands on

waist,

hips,

under my shirt.

Smooth,

safe

not yet destroyed.

I’m not destroyed

just a little

unstable.

Today was the first day

in a long process.

My mental health is

this devil on my shoulder

becoming a person.

Becoming a human.

Becoming the voice I want to be quiet.

I’m lonely.

More so now than ever.

Mum says to

bake

do gardening

make dinner

these are all things she wants me to do.

Not what I need to do.

Anxiety.

That’s what he said.

The word looks so much less…

scary

just written there

for all to see.

Work on myself they say

on the inside.

How do you even –

Where do you even start with that?

I’ve been everyone’s second guess

or choice

or thought

for so long…

I think of myself like that now as well.

So, next time

you think about screwing with

my emotions

or feelings

or thoughts

please don’t.

Maybe that will save both of us.

Today I am wearing yellow.

It’s a new shirt.

But at least I got dressed.

In a couple of hours,

I’m getting on a train.

Monthly visit,

and also a huge mental challenge

at the weekend.

This may be my last post for a while.

I need some time.

I’m losing control,

my smile,

and who I am.

I’m going to seek as much help as I can.

For now,

I like the moments in my day

where I smile for no reason.

Or find myself writing

when my voice can’t be found.

I like this new shirt,

and the dress I have for your party.

I’m trying not to be negative.

I’m trying to still be here.

I’m trying to be me.

It may be a long journey.

I hope I’m worth it.