Reasons.

We matter

because my

heart has somehow

found it’s way to you.

It’s still early

but I’m in for this.

I’m alive for this.

Staying with you-

being with you –

I only seem to

want it to be more.

More of you.

More of me.

More of us.

I’m down for juice,

ice-cream

and TV.

Your arms around me

are comfort.

Safe.

Warm.

We matter

because I think

It’s special.

The romance writer

struggles with this –

real isn’t in my mind,

It’s everything else.

It’s neck kisses

and holding you hand

and above all –

the smile I get around us.

You said sometimes it’s

like I disappear.

Promises are a heavy thing

but I promise

I’m sticking around.

Being around you

still gives me butterflies.

We matter

because of

those butterflies.

And I can’t wait

for what we do

together

  • how long or

how short

that could be

but I’m ready

to finally play videogames

and finish Tv series’

and find new snacks.

Above all,

I’m yours.

 

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Remedy.

For me.

First of all,

It’s perfectly okay to not be okay.

It’s okay to not want to get out of bed.

It’s not okay to believe you can’t.

I felt like that this morning.

The last time I cried this morning.

There was no reason.

Not really.

There’s rational not-okay

and there’s mentality not-okay.

It hits hard,

like that first strike of thunder

destroying the afternoon rainbow.

It targets when you least expect,

smack bang in the middle of a pool game,

during dinner,

in the middle of a shift.

It’s the demon reclaiming that right spot on my shoulder.

The one the good voices reigned.

My remedy…

It’s okay to eat bad foods.

It’s not okay if you haven’t eaten anything sufficient in days.

And I know you want that bag of potatoes…

You really do…

But why not try them not fried, not baked, not…

Health both inside and out.

Try.

I am.

Those sunshine moments,

I’m drowning in memories

I never considered I’d have,

they’re worth this so much.

I watched myself on CCTV last weekend…

I didn’t like what I saw.

She wasn’t me.

It’s okay to not like yourself.

It’s not okay to let that consume who you are.

How can you expect someone to see you if you don’t see yourself?

I think I know who I am.

Seeing myself,

I don’t know.

It’s late at night and I’ve been

fighting with what to say for a while.

I am happy.

That’s not a statement trying to convince myself.

I know I am,

it’s in this battle

where bad days do come,

but guess what,

they do go.

Eventually.

It’s okay to have setbacks of a sort.

It is not okay to let them consume you.

I’m really trying.

Give me that

until I tame them.

This is me signing off for now.

Go find another storm.

Night.

Get set…

So, picture this –

battle of the human.

Mind,

heart,

person,

all at war.

Can’t they all win?

My mind,

someone called it

beautiful once

though he did also

call me a maniac.

It’s where my

OCD and

depression and

anxiety live.

They like to get together sometimes,

have an impromptu party.

Those are my bad days.

Now my heart –

that I can promise you

is about 87% good.

It beats too fast

and clutches too tight

but I’m speeding away

and following it anyway.

My heart is what I write from.

It’s honest

and anxious

and a little messy

but in all ways

is the best thing about me.

My person?

Half the time I don’t like her.

I hate this body

that I’m also learning to love.

I’m too quiet,

stuttering over the spoken.

I’m too nice,

not to be mistaken for as weak.

I’m small but strong.

I can read fast

and make metaphors

even on my darkest days.

I like tea and butterflies and you.

So, is it time?

Are all three ready to fight?

Who do we place bets on?

Hey you…

I don’t schedule my posts…

This is raw and now and butterflies,

lying with you is quiet,

it’s peaceful,

it’s –

you know for once

I’ve not overthought

us.

This morning, I fell asleep with your arms around me.

It wasn’t for long,

I think you were already sleeping

but it mattered.

This matters.

I’m not good at explaining my words,

spoken or not,

but being with you

isn’t just fantastic

it’s comfortable,

electric,

daisy dukes and tea

and a seven hour first date…

We’re up to twenty-eight now.

This is moving fast

and sometimes I struggle to keep up

but don’t let go of my hand…

It’s worth more than just the one risk…

 

 

Sunday.

I walked to work today.

I smiled today.

Not much was forced today.

It’s day six of taking these tablets today.

That’s eighteen altogether, three a day today.

I spilled tea over my bed sheets today.

Before my shift even started today.

We went for drinks today.

You called me today.

My Dad today.

I didn’t have any panic attacks today.

I got through today.

I like today.

Though, sometimes I wish I had someone more to speak to today.

I am Awake today,

and I’m not sure how I feel about today.

I started writing again today.

My book today.

At least, it will last for today.

Today is Sunday.

It’s not yet over.

I get another next week.

That’s seven today’s away…

Today I am wearing yellow.

It’s a new shirt.

But at least I got dressed.

In a couple of hours,

I’m getting on a train.

Monthly visit,

and also a huge mental challenge

at the weekend.

This may be my last post for a while.

I need some time.

I’m losing control,

my smile,

and who I am.

I’m going to seek as much help as I can.

For now,

I like the moments in my day

where I smile for no reason.

Or find myself writing

when my voice can’t be found.

I like this new shirt,

and the dress I have for your party.

I’m trying not to be negative.

I’m trying to still be here.

I’m trying to be me.

It may be a long journey.

I hope I’m worth it.

 

Something To Come Back To…

Do you think sometimes

you run out of words.

There’s only so many times

you can say somebody hurt you.

Sure, there’s always that imprint.

Stamp upon the heart

but it’s still beating.

You are not lifeless.

You’re hurting,

but you’ve been here before.

You can survive this

and though they might not be,

I am so proud of us.

You broke me

but I found myself in the dust

and I’ll be dammned

if I don’t even try

to turn that shit into glitter.

Watch me…