Today I am wearing yellow.

It’s a new shirt.

But at least I got dressed.

In a couple of hours,

I’m getting on a train.

Monthly visit,

and also a huge mental challenge

at the weekend.

This may be my last post for a while.

I need some time.

I’m losing control,

my smile,

and who I am.

I’m going to seek as much help as I can.

For now,

I like the moments in my day

where I smile for no reason.

Or find myself writing

when my voice can’t be found.

I like this new shirt,

and the dress I have for your party.

I’m trying not to be negative.

I’m trying to still be here.

I’m trying to be me.

It may be a long journey.

I hope I’m worth it.

 

The Ocean.

Never been.

The beach and Thames sure but never the ocean.

Signifies beauty and dolphins and sunshine.

Something I’m looking for –

why not, throw in the dolphins too.

Last night I was drowning.

I lost the only control I knew.

I’ve been losing myself for years,

it’s a struggle to know whether to float or sink.

The ocean is

salt water on lips,

kissed by sand

that is fine,

finite,

soft.

Waves crash

but they’re real.

Creatures under water

have to be safer than ones under the bed.

Today I am Awake.

I am here,

I have a headache

but most days are like that.

I’m going dress shopping later.

I have no idea why I agreed to this party.

I want to keep floating…

Do you have any armbands?

Can you take armbands to the ocean?

I hope the water’s warm.

Dreams…

Last night,

this morning,

I dreamed about you.

Half my dreams

are nightmares

or strangers

but not this one.

This one was nice.

We’ve never met before

and yet in my mind

we were older.

At a party.

The beginning parts

we were at ‘home’.

Neighbours, weirdly.

That’s not true,

dream revealing itself.

Back to the party.

You were cute by the way,

like starting to hurt my heart cute.

Loads of girls were hitting on you,

you didn’t notice.

You just looked at me,

invisible girl

and said something like

‘darling, we’re not like these people, we’re real.’

Another dream hint –

I have a strong dislike for the word

darling.

Maybe some day I’ll tell you about that.

You pulled your phone out and took a picture of us.

I trusted you with my picture.

Weird that, I’m quite guarded.

You called me pretty, very pretty,

leaned in took another photo

then kissed me,

light and quick

and freezing the room.

Then the lights came on,

or rather my alarm went off.

I hate dreams like this.

It’s always stuff I can never have.

Nobody looks at me that way

but I suppose I can live in hope

of some day finding you.

I hope you talk to me,

and don’t leave me alone to the darkness.

Here’s to you,

may you find me interesting…

Song Lyrics…

Fire burst from inside her.

She trod on the flames

And walked in stardust.

Thunder in her throat,

Lightning in her hair,

She’s a danger to my heart.

Those eyes like moons,

Crescent and full.

She’s a night angel –

Wings from flowers

And stems for socks.

Are my insides in trouble?

Dragons ate from her palm,

She’s got me like putty,

Mould be into the guardian you need,

Back off knights –

She’s all mine.

We’re crestfallen and in pain at midnight.

Flutter now

Out come all the love

She’s held inside.

Oh, my love,

I’ll build us a castle

From the ashes.

We’ll ride this dragon into the sunset.

Does my touch

Hold the key

To the cage

Around her heart?

Something To Come Back To…

Do you think sometimes

you run out of words.

There’s only so many times

you can say somebody hurt you.

Sure, there’s always that imprint.

Stamp upon the heart

but it’s still beating.

You are not lifeless.

You’re hurting,

but you’ve been here before.

You can survive this

and though they might not be,

I am so proud of us.

You broke me

but I found myself in the dust

and I’ll be dammned

if I don’t even try

to turn that shit into glitter.

Watch me…

Last night.

You messaged me on Tuesday…

though technically it was Wednesday morning

just after 1am.

You spelt my name wrong.

I thought I was numb talking to you.

You’re not like the last

but I guess

now it’s your turn.

We met up once,

a long time ago now,

we kissed

then like most things

-people-

in my life

you just seemed to stop talking to me.

Why was that?

You told me last night

how cute it must be

to still be a virgin.

How rare it must be.

I wasn’t sure how we got onto my virginity

or why others have an opinion

over something that is mine and mine alone.

It’s been almost a year

since we met up.

I’m not sure

why whenever we talk

it’s always after hours.

I no longer know how

you make me feel.

I don’t know if I like myself, I mean.

Because, you see, that girl,

who I was in August.

She’s been hurt since,

she’s been broken since,

she’s been promised fake things since.

Maybe she still is.

Point is, why should I

put my heart on the line

when

you can’t decided what you want.

You told me

how you’ve been sleeping around.

You think that makes me sad

because you hurt me

but it makes me sad

that you feel

the need to do these things.

Excuse me,

I’m a little rusty.

Never written about you before.

Let’s be real.

You’re one of two people I’ve kissed.

The other, well maybe

I’ll never be done writing about that.

I’m 5’4 ish,

I think

that’s a lot of hurt

for someone of my height.

How am I supposed to compete

with all these girls?

Is it because I said no?

Is that why you asked me out

and kept me up

till all hours this morning?

I can’t be the reason you want to change.

You have to want that all by yourself.

You were the first boy to call me sexy,

I was different with you.

You called me honest

which I always am with everything

-including, I hope

the way I write-.

You called me cute,

I get that a lot.

I don’t mind it.

You’ve struck something inside me,

but you’ve had all this time

to talk to me.

And now,

I’m good.

Sorry.

Maybe there’s potential elsewhere

though he probably thinks I’m a weirdo,

I like smiling again.

I like the potential

I’m seeing in myself.

I won’t speak too soon

but I like -maybe-

this girl.

Girl tired

after studying.

Girl broken

but ‘brave,’ strong.

Girl who may someday

be unfazed by people who hurt her.

You said that you thought of me often,

how sorry you were to have hurt me.

I told you it was okay.

I wasn’t lying.

You noticed me for a little while

-as most people seem to do-

then forgot about me

until you’re sleepy,

or alone

or turned on.

I’m not an object.

It was just kissing.

It meant a great deal to me.

Mostly past tense,

I don’t think you’re my future,

and I’m not yours.

It was nice for a while

August Girl says thank you.

Sorry you’ve ended up

as writing material.

I’m trying to learn new things

about myself.

I don’t think

you’re capable of waiting.

After a while

you might not even recognize me anymore.

I won’t be a stranger

but the smile takes a little more work than it used to.