No Bushes Were Harmed.

So I do a really good job

at keeping things inside.

But here’s the truth,

though we’ve been low

you’ve been my highest point.

I threw up last night

after a rough weekend

and strange few days

and I really wanna be fine.

We are fine,

and I’ll try and be sick quieter next time.

I don’t think I said it back to you

but moving in

has me all excited nervous

similar to our first date.

I’ll see your first date waist coat

hanging up every day

and you’ll see

my dungarees at every turn.

Cool with that?

I’m sorry.

I can’t apologise enough.

We both feel bad

and there’s no promise we won’t

fight again.

Maybe we fight more

because we know each other more,

you told me once

I don’t challenge you.

This isn’t a challenge.

This is not wanting to lose you.

I hate the screaming

and crying

of late

but the warm firm lips on mine

remain as well.

Thank you for the side of the bed

for the bugs

and always for having great hair.

Can’t wait for you to come home.

Soon it will actually be both our homes.

Gaaay.

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Rats and Rivers.

I’ve written about this before.

That day

With the rats

And the rain

And your stories

Starting with orange juice

and finishing with warm lips

I’m still not tired of kissing.

That was day two,

Tonight is night two

Of being back with you again.

The screaming

On the same river

Yesterday

Ranked horribly but

You never seem to give up on me.

I’m your tease

But I’ll follow through

If you do

And wait for the next thousand kisses

And to create new favourite memories with you.

This is to say

I always wanna see you

And I miss you more than I should

And more than I say.

You’e still twenty seven.

‘The Day You Knew.’

I wonder what the stars will look like

tonight.

It will look like

a bench

and that smile

that breaks my face in two.

But we can’t see that.

It will look like

hesitant lips

and butterflies

tasting of white chocolate.

But we won’t be able to see any of that.

It will look like

a guy peeing

and bad words

and your arms around me in a letter dress.

But neither of us can see that.

Instead we see

today

if we see each other

having no idea what the stars tell.

You upset me

without realising

when all you could have said was

you missed me

and I’d be there in half hour.

Miscommunication

is what I was brought up on,

the stars then

almost invisible

but now

they’re brighter.

Cliche date over sunsets?

Star gazing.

Gay?

The day you knew

is my day every day.

 

Stopwatch.

There was a time to believe

that cursed us all once.

We ask why

and how to leave the nightmares behind

but at the end, all

that’s left is the space we

 

had. The foolish thing we

are led to believe

is that it’s all

supposed to work. That happens once,

to the lucky ones. We fall behind

on hopes. Dreams and asking why

 

we had to grow up. Why

we used to want to grow up. We,

unknowingly, left the good years behind,

stumped to believe

the good was yet to come. I once

lied. It was just now. It’s still good, mostly all

 

of it, I promise. It’s all

a little tougher. Why?

We’re bigger now. Once

small, twice the size we

were, I believe

in making it work, kept behind

 

from being behind

on it all.

I also, above all, belive

in us. Why?

Why not. We

have something good here, once

 

and for all. Once

we fell behind,

fell out, now I can’t imagine nights were we

are apart. Too much? All

I have, you can have. Mostly. Why

don’t they believe

 

like we were once led to believe

that we are all

each other need. Leave nightmares behind, you can’t ask my why.

What you don’t know…

I’ve been at my boyfriend’s house for

almost three weeks now.

He says he isn’t sick of me yet

and tonight we’re having take-out.

He says it’s something he could get used to.

He meant coming home to food not to me,

but the principal still stands.

I think…

Right?

I’ve been wearing Minnie Mouse nightwear

but underneath that

lacy underwear

I got a while back.

A year ago I could barely get dressed.

Today I wore a dress I never

would have worn usually.

I like a lot more than I did a year ago.

Like tighter clothes,

and underwear, that might be

a little uncomfortable

but makes me feel

how you made and still

make me feel.

I don’t think I ever

told you this

but our first date

was probably the first time

I’d felt comfortable in what was

a long dark while.

I don’t think I even really told myself that.

I know I’m difficult

and closed off sometimes

but I’m still here.

Somehow, we’re still here.

I’m in your bed,

you look over,

I look back.

That’s our cringy love story.

When your eyes look like that.

This bed…

Tells some of our firsts.

You told me you loved me

on a dark September night.

You made love to me

in the Summer.

You’ve added additions such as a giant

dinosaur.

I still haven’t taken the hint

and given the space back…

We’ve done naughty things under these sheets

but my sheets

tell just as many stories.

Right now,

I’m here alone

thinking about you

and how you still haven’t asked me

to leave.

Or, a nicer version of that,

at least.

We’ve spent the past nineteen

nights sleeping beside each other.

I know when I go back to work

tomorrow night

it’ll get tough being on different

schedules again

but I’m still game for nights with you

even then.

Promise not to wake you up

every morning.

Or, I’ll do my best…

 

The Words That Hate.

Reading words hurt.

I get them stuck in my mind because sometimes

words are all I understand

but the absence of them work as well.

I thought I was in love with you

but I still can’t escape you.

That’s not love.

You’re in the words he writes,

words that aren’t even about me

and you’re in all the posts I see online

and the silence I feel.

We’ve not spoken in almost a year.

I barely think about you

but I see you in the cracks I get

sometimes.

The uncertainy

and disbelief at my own thoughts.

I’m not sad we’ve over

not anymore.

My day’s of panic attacks in bathrooms

are over.

Now they get stuck

in my throat

and left alone.

I’ll never be a priority.

You taught me that.

There comes a day

where you get used to that.

I guess maybe

I’m just waiting for words that

don’t sting as much

but the ones I create

seem to hurt as well.

I’m tired of silence

that’s loud

or trying to talk

with no answers.

It’s like you never left,

8,000 words wasn’t enough,

because I’m not sure if anything

is ever enough.

You tell me if I am.

I’m still the same girl I was a year ago.

I do nice things

but lately it’s not felt nice.

I’ve felt empty.

I am becoming empty

and not just by

losing weight.

Do you have a charger?

I’m trying not to drain.

 

Time for me?

You feel so far

And yet there’s so few

Distance between us; we hang

Together and spread

The time. You’re mine

For a slice of portion

 

Amidst other portions

Of people far

From being mine.

The few

I choose spread

Sunshine into me and hang

 

Frowns upside down. Hang

Us proudly up. Steady in proportion;

Unsteady to spread

These fleeting far

Sections of few

Moments with others. They’re mine

 

And mine

Alone. Hang

With me? There’s few

I want but you, portions

Divided and not too far

Apart. Spread

 

Evenly and spread

Fairly until I am yours and you are mine.

No space too far

Or tree too high for us to hang

Like bats. Take apart and portion

The few

 

Hours of the day left. The few

Seconds of us left. I wanna spread

Our pictures on the well, portions

Of memories and time of mine.

Hang

Up everything else. Stop being far

 

For there is few things to fight about, far

From each other, portions split. Be mine

Again? Don’t spread yourself thin, I’m only asking to hang.