Hey you…

I don’t schedule my posts…

This is raw and now and butterflies,

lying with you is quiet,

it’s peaceful,

it’s –

you know for once

I’ve not overthought

us.

This morning, I fell asleep with your arms around me.

It wasn’t for long,

I think you were already sleeping

but it mattered.

This matters.

I’m not good at explaining my words,

spoken or not,

but being with you

isn’t just fantastic

it’s comfortable,

electric,

daisy dukes and tea

and a seven hour first date…

We’re up to twenty-eight now.

This is moving fast

and sometimes I struggle to keep up

but don’t let go of my hand…

It’s worth more than just the one risk…

 

 

Worth remembering.

So, lately, like most people by age,

demons plague my inner conscious.

I’m currently on medication,

they’re a little quieter…

this week was different –

I met you.

I’ll wait till you see this

but right now you’re out.

I think, things like last night,

are worth remembering.

You’re making me smile

and thought I was nervous as hell –

well, not hell,

more like…

you know,

are there any things you can be nervous as?

It was comfortable.

I’m sorry we didn’t eat what you paid for.

Sun on the river,

then lights on the river

and boats on the river.

I’m not poetic in person,

you know that now.

And I’ve never tried to write something like this

but you should know,

it’s worth remembering

I like smiling.

I’ve neglected it lately.

I like that we spoke in our ‘native’ language,

and I like thinking maybe this will make you smile too.

I hope I’ve made a new friend at least.

It’s worth remembering that.

Sunday.

I walked to work today.

I smiled today.

Not much was forced today.

It’s day six of taking these tablets today.

That’s eighteen altogether, three a day today.

I spilled tea over my bed sheets today.

Before my shift even started today.

We went for drinks today.

You called me today.

My Dad today.

I didn’t have any panic attacks today.

I got through today.

I like today.

Though, sometimes I wish I had someone more to speak to today.

I am Awake today,

and I’m not sure how I feel about today.

I started writing again today.

My book today.

At least, it will last for today.

Today is Sunday.

It’s not yet over.

I get another next week.

That’s seven today’s away…

Numb.

Not quite sure how to comprehend

anything coherent.

I’ve been told I’m strong

but inside I’m crumbling.

Let me tell you a secret…

I find comfort in my own skin.

Hugging myself, hands on

waist,

hips,

under my shirt.

Smooth,

safe

not yet destroyed.

I’m not destroyed

just a little

unstable.

Today was the first day

in a long process.

My mental health is

this devil on my shoulder

becoming a person.

Becoming a human.

Becoming the voice I want to be quiet.

I’m lonely.

More so now than ever.

Mum says to

bake

do gardening

make dinner

these are all things she wants me to do.

Not what I need to do.

Anxiety.

That’s what he said.

The word looks so much less…

scary

just written there

for all to see.

Work on myself they say

on the inside.

How do you even –

Where do you even start with that?

I’ve been everyone’s second guess

or choice

or thought

for so long…

I think of myself like that now as well.

So, next time

you think about screwing with

my emotions

or feelings

or thoughts

please don’t.

Maybe that will save both of us.

Today I am wearing yellow.

It’s a new shirt.

But at least I got dressed.

In a couple of hours,

I’m getting on a train.

Monthly visit,

and also a huge mental challenge

at the weekend.

This may be my last post for a while.

I need some time.

I’m losing control,

my smile,

and who I am.

I’m going to seek as much help as I can.

For now,

I like the moments in my day

where I smile for no reason.

Or find myself writing

when my voice can’t be found.

I like this new shirt,

and the dress I have for your party.

I’m trying not to be negative.

I’m trying to still be here.

I’m trying to be me.

It may be a long journey.

I hope I’m worth it.

 

The Ocean.

Never been.

The beach and Thames sure but never the ocean.

Signifies beauty and dolphins and sunshine.

Something I’m looking for –

why not, throw in the dolphins too.

Last night I was drowning.

I lost the only control I knew.

I’ve been losing myself for years,

it’s a struggle to know whether to float or sink.

The ocean is

salt water on lips,

kissed by sand

that is fine,

finite,

soft.

Waves crash

but they’re real.

Creatures under water

have to be safer than ones under the bed.

Today I am Awake.

I am here,

I have a headache

but most days are like that.

I’m going dress shopping later.

I have no idea why I agreed to this party.

I want to keep floating…

Do you have any armbands?

Can you take armbands to the ocean?

I hope the water’s warm.

Dreams…

Last night,

this morning,

I dreamed about you.

Half my dreams

are nightmares

or strangers

but not this one.

This one was nice.

We’ve never met before

and yet in my mind

we were older.

At a party.

The beginning parts

we were at ‘home’.

Neighbours, weirdly.

That’s not true,

dream revealing itself.

Back to the party.

You were cute by the way,

like starting to hurt my heart cute.

Loads of girls were hitting on you,

you didn’t notice.

You just looked at me,

invisible girl

and said something like

‘darling, we’re not like these people, we’re real.’

Another dream hint –

I have a strong dislike for the word

darling.

Maybe some day I’ll tell you about that.

You pulled your phone out and took a picture of us.

I trusted you with my picture.

Weird that, I’m quite guarded.

You called me pretty, very pretty,

leaned in took another photo

then kissed me,

light and quick

and freezing the room.

Then the lights came on,

or rather my alarm went off.

I hate dreams like this.

It’s always stuff I can never have.

Nobody looks at me that way

but I suppose I can live in hope

of some day finding you.

I hope you talk to me,

and don’t leave me alone to the darkness.

Here’s to you,

may you find me interesting…