Forgot I said I’d post on Fridays…

Ooops.

Technically, here it’s Saturday

but somewhere

some place

it’s still Friday.

Today was different.

Not the same different as it was the day we met…

Just different.

I forced myself to go out…

I’m glad I did.

Though a tad awkward and short

I saw someone

who although often feels like they’re not,

they’re my real flesh and blood.

They’re family

and for that period earlier

it was just nice.

I don’t think I’ve felt that for these

relatives for so long.

I’m not sure if that’s my fault

or the voices of my respective parent

and growing up in a home

where you’ve always been told we stick out.

Anyway, was pleasant.

Then I saw you.

Sexy bartender.

But not really.

You don’t need the bar,

and you’re more cute than sexy

but I guess, so am I.

We had a few hours together

and you built my new bike for me.

My legs already ache,

in particular upper legs

and I’ve already fallen off once

splat on the pavement

but…

thank you.

I love it,

you more

but it’s a close second.

Kidding!

Then I saw that video

before we met.

Your hair was different.

Your clothes the same.

That first date waist coat.

It’s fucking adorable.

You’re adorable,

even if you weren’t ‘yourself,’

and I already can’t wait to see you tomorrow.

Gay.

Bye.

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Our version…

I won’t lie,

I’m not sure what it is yet.

Thoughts are getting louder again

and maybe I’m getting quieter

but they’re thunder

while I’m still learning to dance through the storm.

They often won’t shut up

and some days are hard,

screaming

worthless

please disappear.

All I can ask is…

Don’t give up on us

because perhaps our version could be more than our forever.

I’m investing time in us…

Well and ice cream and my heart…

I want you and this and us

but only if you do as well.

Still crushing on you

from that first day

with your hair and scarves and kind words.

Our version can be good,

because I’m still trying to clear out the bad.

I’ll always be trying,

someday maybe even succeeding.

Wednesday was magic…

Our version could be that.

Next time,

take-out, movies and cuddles?

 

 

You and me.

Struggle with time sometimes,

how to spend it.

Like kids in a sweetshop,

I’m greedy on us,

and it’s going so fast

yet you mentioned how long.

Our firsts

were the firsts that counted for a long time.

Park benches

and picnics

and poetry.

Not so much anymore

but we get the comfortable part.

Is that what this is called?

Sleeping together

and after shower wet hair

lying on your chest.

We’ve changed a little…

hair and mentality

but my heart is different.

Yeah it’s still anxious and tight

but also

feels a different kind of love.

A new and old and exciting kind.

This is us.

If you want it.

We’re doing okay so far and if not…

Remember the tea

and coloured tights

and a certain type of shorts…

Of course I do.

I think I knew last night what you’d written but when it was confirmed this morning where the air was still cold and your handwriting was just wonderfully you and I had music in my ears it was all real.

You know, for someone who is real — are any of us?– I’ve never dabbled with the thought of actual romance happening for me. Like life changing, heart stopping, I-must-die-to-be-with-you-book-fiction-romance. That just doesn’t happen…Wanna know why? Because, right now, real life romance is better. I get your handwriting and your smiles and your hand to hold. And guess what…This is me giving myself to you as well. If you want me.

I’m not alone anymore and even when I am, my heart isn’t. It’s not that empty shell other people trod on. It’s getting some yolk back…Wahey, terrible jokes…

Alright look, here’s what I wanna say but I can’t help the metaphors or how good I think this might sound in my head but how bad it could also sound, I have no idea…

Here’s your lexis, poetry boy, out in the open…

And lately it’s almost slipped out, lying with you or watching you play video games or being with you. I couldn’t find the words but we both knew it was only three. Three simple ones. Two of them already involve you and I. I agree it’s fast but honestly if I don’t have the guts I’m maintaining right now I might not have said all this so yes…it’s fast but I can’t see my future without you in it anymore. Or at least without trying to have you in it.

I’m trying not to disappear, I’ve said that before and sometimes it’s scary knowing you see me but I see you too. Glimpses when I miss you, or parts of you in my smile or thoughts of you, hand in mine, noticing me like I didn’t think anybody could. That note you wrote, it was a bit scary and maybe not quite mutual but…I can’t deny it though it’s terrifying… it IS mutual. Quite. Quite a bit. I do love you and I’m in love with the way we are and how you make me feel.

If you say it, bare with my cautious mind but this fluttering heart will be faithful to whatever you do with it, and I’ll say it back. Of course I will.

You’re my imperfect version of perfect. This is us now. A small slice of whatever forever we have.

 

 

Will also provide this in writing if you want concrete proof…

Get set…

So, picture this –

battle of the human.

Mind,

heart,

person,

all at war.

Can’t they all win?

My mind,

someone called it

beautiful once

though he did also

call me a maniac.

It’s where my

OCD and

depression and

anxiety live.

They like to get together sometimes,

have an impromptu party.

Those are my bad days.

Now my heart –

that I can promise you

is about 87% good.

It beats too fast

and clutches too tight

but I’m speeding away

and following it anyway.

My heart is what I write from.

It’s honest

and anxious

and a little messy

but in all ways

is the best thing about me.

My person?

Half the time I don’t like her.

I hate this body

that I’m also learning to love.

I’m too quiet,

stuttering over the spoken.

I’m too nice,

not to be mistaken for as weak.

I’m small but strong.

I can read fast

and make metaphors

even on my darkest days.

I like tea and butterflies and you.

So, is it time?

Are all three ready to fight?

Who do we place bets on?

Falling.

Down the well,

over my own feet,

into the Darkness.

I was falling.

Now, it’s possible,

I’m tripping.

That means,

I get up.

I’m learning to fight back.

Now I’m succumbing to a new type.

A land-on-your-face

kind of crash.

It’s you.

I’ve caught these feelings

but unlike fish

I don’t wanna let go.

Let’s catch a somewhat future too

and keep our head above the water?

I’ll try if you will

because

I’m falling for you.

It’s gross and lame

but my anxious heart

tells me it’s true.